The Go-To Abundant Lifestyle Platform for Entrepreneurs
4 Tips On
How To Stop Being
A People Pleaser
By Ronda Phillips I Dare to Outdo Yourself!
CHALLENGE Yourself to:
STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
Let's face it, when it comes to pleasing people, most of us long for approval and acceptance from others; especially when it comes to our family, friends, coworkers, business associates, clients, and customers. However, some of us get so consumed with pleasing others to the extreme, that we will choose to either under-compensate or over-compensate certain aspects of who we are in order to do so.
For example, we may choose to under-compensate and play down our dominant strengths such as beauty, appearance, skills, talent, intellect or expertise just so someone else that we look up to or admire can receive the spotlight (whether out of respect or intimidation), or by allowing them to take all of the credit for our hard work and effort while we could possibly miss out on that once in a lifetime big break or rightful opportunity.
Or, we may over-compensate by going above and beyond unnecessarily -- giving so much of our valuable time, talent, money or resources to others that we want to get in good with, because of who they are or what they do when they probably couldn't care less whether we went out of our way for them or not -- like the popular kid in school that always seems to manipulate the smart nerd into doing their homework by promising to be their best friend, with no intention of ever doing so.
Perhaps you often find yourself giving in to the requests and demands of others, even when you do not agree. For example, certain people may dictate to you who you can call on the phone and when you can call, who you should or should not speak to, what you should or should not wear, what you should or should not eat/drink, etc. Giving in to various demands and requests from certain people may make you feel like a child trapped in an adult's body.
Perhaps you never take into account as to why certain people find it necessary to manipulate, bully or control you, treating you as if you are a puppet on a string. Perhaps they themselves have something to hide if they do not want you to communicate with certain people. Perhaps certain people may not want you dress or look a certain way, out of fear that you may get a lot of favorable attention from others and they may not end up in the spotlight.
Perhaps certain people may try to control you because of their own deep rooted inadequacies, insecurities and unresolved issues, causing them to be jealous or envious of you if you become too successful. They may fear that you will no longer need them in your life.
However, the bigger question is, if you are someone who allows others to control and manipulate you into always putting their needs and wants ahead of your own, what deep rooted issues have you not yet addressed?
Could it be that perhaps you are a people pleaser?...
A people pleaser is defined as, someone or something that pleases or wants to please people; often: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
People pleasers may end up feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically drained, washed up, burnt out, unappreciated, taken for granted and taken advantage of by going out of their way for others [whew...that was a mouthful], while neglecting themselves or their needs and desires in the process.
Perhaps you have a need to be needed. Perhaps you are consumed with wanting everyone to like you. Perhaps you are eager to maintain friendships at any cost. Perhaps you try to avoid having others get mad at you by giving in to their needs and wants in order to maintain peace.
However, deep down inside, you may be tired. You may be tired of being the go-to person that often bails family and friends out of trouble. You may be tired of not truly being yourself. You may be tired of not fully enjoying your life.
At this point, perhaps you are tired of being a people pleaser.
If you have come to the conclusion that you are a people pleaser and are honest enough to admit it, then you are off to a good start. Incorporating specific principles into your life can help you overcome the people pleaser syndrome.
Here are 4 tips you can implement daily to help you stop being a people pleaser:
1. BE DECISIVE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED
When you don't take initiative and passively allow others to decide and do for you, they may oftentimes have a tendency to be controlling and end up running the show. For example, let's suppose you and someone else decide to eat out at a restaurant and the person you're with asks where would you like go, and you respond by saying, "I don't know, I don't want to eat out at that place around the corner...but wherever you want to go is fine with me."
Rather than focusing on what you don't like, speak up and clearly express what you do want and need without being rebellious or rude. If you prefer to eat at an Italian restaurant, then say so. Or, if you prefer to cook at home and have a cozy night in, then let that be known.
If this sounds familiar, more than likely you would not want anyone else to go through a similar unpleasant experience with you. You’ll be inclined to be more discerning and attentive to have a good listening ear the next time someone chooses to reach out to you and needs you to listen to them as they share their important news with you.
2. BE FIRM ON SETTING STANDARDS AND CLEAR BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF
You've heard the saying, "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything." Maintain core values and a belief system that will not compromise your moral character or integrity. Be selective about who you allow to enter into your core circle of influence.
For example, because of your talents, skills, knowledge, expertise or profession, certain people may try to befriend you just because of what they believe they can get from you. Certain acquaintances may often try to manipulate or outsmart you into giving them "freebie" deals on your products and services because they know the value of what you have to offer, however they may not respect your worth to pay you for the price(s) you have established for the products and services you provide.
Family members or friends may make it a habit to come to you to borrow money every month like clock work, promising to pay you back when they get paid. However, by their [or your] next paycheck, they tell you that something else has come up, and may talk you into allowing them to borrow more money from you. Their tab gets even bigger, until you've lost count of how much they actually owe you.
If you find that you're having trouble paying your own bills at the expense of helping others, or that your bank account is being depleted and you no longer have enough funds to invest in your endeavors, take that long awaited vacation or handle unexpected emergencies -- then perhaps it's time to establish limitations and guidelines on what you can and will do for others, if you believe it's necessary to help out and how often you will choose to do so.
When you take certain action because you believe it is the appropriately right thing to do -- not because you feel like someone else is forcing your hand, but because you genuinely want to and are willing to accept the consequences, then you'll be at peace with yourself. Always stand your good ground.
3. BE UNDERSTANDING AND OBJECTIVE
Others may become judgmental and critical of you if they discover they can't have their way with you. They may get mad and throw a temper tantrum, talk about you, and perhaps even tell you that you're being selfish in order to try to manipulate you into feeling guilty enough to cave in by pleasing them.
For example, you may be handling a project at work or for a client through your business, and there may be someone else on the team who often finds fault with your ideas, plans or the work you contribute. The team member may make requests or demands for you to make drastic or last minute changes to the project, with little thought or consideration regarding how these changes will affect the completion timeline or how other aspects of the overall project may become affected by new or additional changes to be made -- until you speak up and thoroughly acknowledge accordingly, rather than simply agreeing with the team member and casually going along with their request or demand.
Remember that we are all entitled to our own opinion. However, your own opinion is more about yourself making an assumption (how you feel or what you think concerning what someone else said or did in a situation), which can be critical and judgmental, and sometimes less factual about the actual person you claim to have an opinion about.
Therefore, make an effort to research and get facts so you will know who and what you are dealing with. Be mindful of the other person's overall motive, agenda, or intention as to why they want you to do or be in a certain way that will be pleasing to them. Determine if it is also for your good, and not just for their good alone. Likewise, do a self assessment of your own motives as well, and determine if you have any insecurities, doubts, worries, or fears that may be causing any avoidance on your part. You don't want to end up missing out on the right opportunities.
4. BE OKAY WITH SAYING "NO" IF NECESSARY
You are not a doormat. You do not have to allow yourself to be bullied by others. Ask questions if you are not at peace about doing something or if you feel you need more clarity to understand why you should do a certain thing, or do it in a certain way.
For example, you may find yourself cleaning up messes or doing chores on behalf of others in your home because they may be too lazy or too busy to do it themselves, they're on their way out the door in a hurry or they somehow forgot. You may also find yourself in a position where certain people often call on you at the last minute to pick them up from across town or to handle an errand for them just minutes before the store closes.
A boss or coworker may ask you to work late as you grab your belongings to head out the building to eventually meet up with your family or friends to attend an important event. Determine if the situation is time sensitive and needs to be handled immediately, if it can wait until the next day or if there is an alternative or mutual common ground that will benefit the greater good of all involved.
Value who you are and what you have to bring to the table. Weigh all reasonable options. If you have assessed that you'll be the one that will primarily lose out on what's mostly at stake in the end, then be assertive, and respectfully offer a valid win-win compromising solution that will serve you and others well. If not, then perhaps it may be time to say the big two-letter word..."No".
Coming out of the people pleaser syndrome may be difficult at first, especially if you have been pleasing others for so long over the course of your life and others have maintained this expectation of you. Understand that others may choose to distance themselves from you as you become more assertive and they realize that they are unable to continue to have their way with you, and that's okay. You cannot please everyone. You will discover who were merely your fair-weather friends, and who truly accepts and respects you for who you are.
Decide this very moment that you will stop being a people pleaser, and believe you are better than that. Stand up for yourself and be assertive. Know and appreciate your own value and true worth. Trust that the right connections and great opportunities are on their way to you.
Be reminded to implement these 4 tips daily to help you stop being a people pleaser:
1. Be decisive about what you want and need
2. Be firm on setting standards and clear boundaries for yourself
3. Be understanding and objective
4. Be okay with saying "no" if necessary
You will discover how freeing it will be to no longer feel you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You will enjoy living your own life on your terms, and can have the abundant lifestyle you desire.
The eBook, PE Class Workout Guide authored by Ronda Phillips is a personal development and self improvement resource that can also help position you to be productive during the day. The ebook also includes Purpose and Empowerment Right Now Declarations, which provides hundreds of declarations to help remind you of who you are and that the best is still to come in your life. This recommended resource also includes a Manifestation Evaluation, Manifestation Equation, and Daily Manifestation Worksheet. This ebook is also an ideal keepsake gift for someone you care about. You can go here to discover more about the eBook,PE Class Workout Guide.
To Your Empowerment!
To Your Empowerment!
Known for her creative style, positive influence and straightforward professionalism, Ronda Phillips is a certified life coach,author, speaker, television host, style expert and entrepreneur. Her core mission is to empower and challenge individuals to become propelled to take charge of their life through preparation, performance and persistence. Ronda is the founder of Dare to Outdo Yourself!
Prepare. Perform. Persist.
Was this article helpful for you?
Leave a Comment
We respect your email privacy.
Related Articles on
Dare to Outdo Yourself!
You Might Also Like: